Happy Gotcha Day!!
We Have Gotcha and We Will Never Let You Go!
(A letter I wrote but never mailed to her biological mother)
Dear Bio mom,
She was your child first…and we are sorry that you were unable to care for her. We really are. I know that you love her. There is no possible way that you couldn’t. She is amazing! She is one of our greatest joys! The Love you had for her just wasn’t enough. It didn’t keep her safe, nurture her and provide for her needs.
She has your eyes and your nose. She does some things just like her siblings. And her dance moves are especially like her oldest sister. We will always remember the love and time spent with all three of your girls in our home. It was hard because the visitations became damaging, caused confusing and went on way too long…
Your oldest daughter really wanted to be with you. It was so strange the devotion and obligation she had towards you. (You, the one who hurt her) Separation and attachment disorders are so crazy. She didn’t even know how to attach to anyone but you, because of it. So, when the courts ruled, we really struggled with the decision they made for us to transition her back to you. Nineteen months in our home and then it was like a bomb went off in our hearts…And you got another chance to parent. Not all five of your children…but just one. And the struggle was and is…still real for you.
Your actions and your choices, completely rocked their entire worlds. They were so innocent…so young…so helpless. It was scary for them. What were you thinking when you left them hungry, dirty and in danger? Who did you think would keep them safe when you left them in vehicles and motels alone? Or in stranger’s homes? You made them learn to fend for themselves. They all knew many survival techniques when they were removed. They had no choice but to learn on their own…how to survive…while you lived. So selfishly.
She was sickly and confused then. She has struggled in so many ways since we opened our home and heart to her EIGHT years ago. She was a frail and extremely tiny 18 months old. You had rocked her world…over and over again.
We rocked her world too! Every night…before bed…for over two years…as we held her and sat with her into the night. We rocked her. We comforted her. We stayed awake through the tremors and the sleepless nights. We put her back in her bed over and over again…and avoided stepping on her wherever she lay in the night. We still have “all night drifting parties” often. I wonder, will she ever sleep well? But I know by God’s grace she will…
We wished we could have kept some of the doors open with you. But we knew what was best for her, and this just wasn’t an option. We were open to keeping connections with her other 3 siblings. They make her light up when she sees them. It make our hearts happy too. After all, it isn’t their fault they were separated. They did nothing to deserve what they received. We may live forever having to change that thought process in her mind. But we will do whatever it takes!
We were never here to take her away from you. We were a part of a system to help you get yourself together. We offered a safe and loving environment for 3 of your children in order for you to do so. We always work towards reunification and we will never really understand why you never accomplished that. But we forgive you. I hope and pray you learn to forgive yourself…
Our role as Foster Parents was to care for your child while you worked hard toward goals placed upon you by the court. We were here to support you and we encouraged you to reach them. Time kept slipping away…court date after court date…You never took any steps towards achieving the goals placed before you. Not even for your children.
I had felt sorry for you, because she never asked about you. But now, as she has gotten older and we have talked about you many times…I am thankful she didn’t ask more when she was younger. It seems harsh, but it is best that her memory of you is so vague. She understands it was your choices that were bad and not anything bad that she did. She also knows, accepts and understands that God has worked things out for her. She has such a forgiving and kind heart. It saddens me that you may never know her beautiful heart. One that prays for you and others.
We are thankful God spared her from even more hurt. He has worked in her favor and on her behalf many times. She is His child first…and she didn’t go through an experience of great loss. We are all she knows and remembers….and His plan has been perfectly unfolding for her all along.
I need you to know that nothing that I could have said or done would have ever helped you get your children back. The choices that you made determined her future. A future that ended up with us as her parents. It is a future of…love, family, assurance, comfort, encouragement, care, persistence, safety, devotion and hope. The greater Hope that she has is eternal. She knows who’s she is!
I want you to know I am deeply sorry that you were ever in this situation to begin with. I know you still struggle. So, we will continue to pray for you. You can still do right, make good choices and get your life together. The same Eternal Hope that she possesses is obtainable for you too through Jesus.
You chose to give Birth! That is definitely something to be proud of! You chose life for your babies! We will forever be grateful for your decision to do so. Life is always…always a gift! And one of the lives you birthed became our precious Gift!
Eight years ago exactly…(at 2:00 pm)
The court saw it in was in your child’s best interest to have all parental rights terminated! It was a sad day for you. I know it had to be. My heart broke for you.
But it was a beautiful day for all of us…and with a broken heart, I also rejoiced!
It became her very first Gotcha Day…
And one of many more to come!
The Adoptive Mom