Mothers

We Have Gotcha…and We Will Never Let You Go!

/ Susan Woodward / 12 Comments

Happy Gotcha Day!!

We Have Gotcha and We Will Never Let You Go!

You didn’t grow under my heart. You grew in it!

(A letter I wrote but never mailed to her biological mother) 

Dear Bio mom,

She was your child first…and we are sorry that you were unable to care for her. We really are.  I know that you love her.  There is no possible way that you couldn’t. She is amazing!  She is one of our greatest joys!  The Love you had for her just wasn’t enough. It didn’t keep her safe, nurture her and provide for her needs.

She has your eyes and your nose.  She does some things just like her siblings.  And her dance moves are especially like her oldest sister.  We will always remember the love and time spent with all three of your girls in our home.  It was hard because the visitations became damaging, caused confusing and went on way too long…

Your oldest daughter really wanted to be with you.  It was so strange the devotion and obligation she had towards you. (You, the one who hurt her) Separation and attachment disorders are so crazy.  She didn’t even know how to attach to anyone but you, because of it.  So, when the courts ruled, we really struggled with the decision they made for us to transition her back to you. Nineteen months in our home and then it was like a bomb went off in our hearts…And you got another chance to parent.  Not all five of your children…but just one.  And the struggle was and is…still real for you.   

Your actions and your choices, completely rocked their entire worlds.  They were so innocent…so young…so helpless.  It was scary for them. What were you thinking when you left them hungry, dirty and in danger?  Who did you think would keep them safe when you left them in vehicles and motels alone?  Or in stranger’s homes?  You made them learn to fend for themselves.  They all knew many survival techniques when they were removed.  They had no choice but to learn on their own…how to survive…while you lived.  So selfishly. 

She was sickly and confused then.  She has struggled in so many ways since we opened our home and heart to her EIGHT years ago.  She was a frail and extremely tiny 18 months old. You had rocked her world…over and over again.

We rocked her world too!  Every night…before bed…for over two years…as we held her and sat with her into the night. We rocked her. We comforted her. We stayed awake through the tremors and the sleepless nights. We put her back in her bed over and over again…and avoided stepping on her wherever she lay in the night. We still have “all night drifting parties” often.  I wonder, will she ever sleep well? But I know by God’s grace she will… 

We wished we could have kept some of the doors open with you. But we knew what was best for her, and this just wasn’t an option. We were open to keeping connections with her other 3 siblings. They make her light up when she sees them. It make our hearts happy too.  After all, it isn’t their fault they were separated.  They did nothing to deserve what they received.  We may live forever having to change that thought process in her mind.  But we will do whatever it takes!  

We were never here to take her away from you. We were a part of a system to help you get yourself together.  We offered a safe and loving environment for 3 of your children in order for you to do so. We always work towards reunification and we will never really understand why you never accomplished that.  But we forgive you. I hope and pray you learn to forgive yourself… 

Our role as Foster Parents was to care for your child while you worked hard toward goals placed upon you by the court. We were here to support you and we encouraged you to reach them. Time kept slipping away…court date after court date…You never took any steps towards achieving the goals placed before you.  Not even for your children. 

I had felt sorry for you, because she never asked about you. But now, as she has gotten older and we have talked about you many times…I am thankful she didn’t ask more when she was younger. It seems harsh, but it is best that her memory of you is so vague. She understands it was your choices that were bad and not anything bad that she did. She also knows, accepts and understands that God has worked things out for her. She has such a forgiving and kind heart. It saddens me that you may never know her beautiful heart. One that prays for you and others.

We are thankful God spared her from even more hurt. He has worked in her favor and on her behalf many times. She is His child first…and she didn’t go through an experience of great loss.  We are all she knows and remembers….and His plan has been perfectly unfolding for her all along.

I need you to know that nothing that I could have said or done would have ever helped you get your children back. The choices that you made determined her future. A future that ended up with us as her parents. It is a future of…love, family, assurance, comfort, encouragement, care, persistence, safety, devotion and hope. The greater Hope that she has is eternal. She knows who’s she is! 

I want you to know I am deeply sorry that you were ever in this situation to begin with.  I know you still struggle.  So, we will continue to pray for you. You can still do right, make good choices and get your life together. The same Eternal Hope that she possesses is obtainable for you too through Jesus.   

You chose to give Birth!  That is definitely something to be proud of!  You chose life for your babies!  We will forever be grateful for your decision to do so.  Life is always…always a gift!  And one of the lives you birthed became our precious Gift! 

So today…..

Eight years ago exactly…(at 2:00 pm)

The court saw it in was in your child’s best interest to have all parental rights terminated! It was a sad day for you. I know it had to be. My heart broke for you.

But it was a beautiful day for all of us…and with a broken heart, I also rejoiced!

                            It became her very first Gotcha Day…

                                                                   And one of many more to come!

Forever grateful,

The Adoptive Mom

SW

I CAN’T GO A DAY WITHOUT JESUS!

/ Susan Woodward

As difficult as it is for me to start my mornings without my “wake up” coffee, I CAN do it.  

To have a full day of not checking things off of a “to do list” is a challenge, but it too has been accomplished.

I can go without my phone (and that’s a hard one) my iPad, the internet and even the TV and somehow I can still make it through the day.   

As crazy as it makes me to go to bed with dishes in the sink, or laundry in the dryer,  I have done it. Often. And I Am Still Sane!

There are many things that I have no problems letting go of…..

And there are  many things that I’ve had to learn to live without. 

But…  I CAN’T GO A DAY  WITHOUT MY JESUS!

                  

        He lives deep within me     

And His presence is felt all around me.

I thank Him for each day as I rise

And I praise Him when I lay my head to rest.

I cannot go without Him…

I have seen Him move in many lives

And I have watched Him graciously move in death.

I hear Him in the laughter of children

And I see Him through acts of compassion and giving.

I cannot go without Him…

I seek Him for guidance with every step that I take

And I try to humble myself as I let His light shine.

I need His Wisdom and His Love

And I am thankful for His Mercy and Grace.

I just can’t go without Him…

He is my Comfort and my Strength 

My Hope  

My Friend

My Healer and My Rock

I cannot go a SINGLE MOMENT in ANY DAY without…..MY JESUS!

He is My Everything!!!

A letter written to my 45 year old self.

/ Susan Woodward / 3 Comments

Dear Self,

You have the ability to look back….”way back I might add” and see the works of our great God in your life. For this alone you should be thankful and remain humble so that you can be used by Him.

In moments of tragedy and triumph, God was who you sought, and even in your own disbelief He remained faithful, true and sovereign.

Being a Pastor’s wife, friend, sister, and daughter are all special titles to hold. But nothing compares to being a child of God first!

You couldn’t wait to hold the title of “Mother” but quickly life made you realize that being a mother is not what defines you. It was in your mothering that you realized how incapable you were and how awesome your God really is! God continues to come to your rescue over and over and over…..

Loosing your first child brought despair, loss and pain. The love of a compassionate husband brought comfort but the true healing came from your Heavenly Father. 

Words cannot describe the excitement, love and joy that the birth of your first son and daughter radiated. Nothing could ever compare to those precious moments. The miraculous gift of life still amazes you! 

You didn’t give birth to all five of your children, but the Lord divinely placed all of them in your hearts forever. May your heart always be tender, gracious and thankful to the three mothers who chose life even in their own struggles to parent. When you were much younger adoption was only a seed planted. It took years of watering before it ever began to blossom.  It has bloomed far more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. 

Your children don’t all look alike, have the same traits, or have your eyes, but they are all covered by the same blood. They have been entrusted to you to love, train, cherish and to one day spend eternity together. We are a family! 

Mothering comes natural to you. Having additional children have always blessed your home with even more love and laughter. Becoming a foster mother was a decision made after wanting to do more for the hurting children in your community. Looking outside your home to “mother” has been a lesson in obedience! 

You never thought the teenage years were going to happen. You still look into their hearts as your precious babies and they continue to grow more independently every year. It won’t be long until all your children will soon become adults. May you always see them as your little God given bundles of joy. Each full of talents and gifts that can be used for His glory. 

Becoming a MiMi at the age of 44 was not on your life’s agenda but Gods plan is far better than your own. His timing is proven to be much more accurate than what you try to achieve timely.  He’s plan is perfect! 

Your personal goals have often taken a side step, sacrifices have been made numerous times, life’s journey has had twists and turns…. yet a beautiful masterpiece has been strategically unfolding in your life since your own birth. You are a work of art by the master creator! 

Your relationship with your own mother is beyond measure the greatest relationship on earth. You recognize the God given uniqueness now more than ever.  The special dynamics of a “parent relationship” has been beautifully defined through both of your aging. You are blessed by your mother daily! 

So this week with Mothers Day approaching, I’m not writing to pat you on the back. You are nothing! God is everything! I’m reminding you to always use your own experiences, gifts and talents to encourage, uplift and inspire other mothers just like you. Pay the goodness forward with what the Lord has given onto you.

Woman should not solely define them selves as “mother” but as children (woman) of God. Mothering without Him will bring worry and despair. All mother’s are divenly chosen by God, called and given the awesome responsibility to raise children to love Jesus! You need to continue to grow yourself in Him! 

Happy Mother’s Day!  Remember that the meaning of life and the understanding of your journey will continue to unfold as you grow older and walk by faith.  Through Him alone you are stronger than any test or trial and through Him alone you’ll find your greatest joys! You can rest assured that one day you will be in your heavenly home because of His Amazing Grace! 

May you always hoard the word, trust without boarders and hold faith with no fences. This year for Mother’s Day, I pray that you and all those that God has connected you with…will Shine On! Let your life and your relationship with the Lord define you.  Use everything you know and experience to further His kingdom. Never be afraid to reach out when you need a shoulder to lean on or a listening ear!  Other Mothers are there for you, just as you are there for them! 

Written to encourage all who read this letter. 

With love from, 
Your 45 year old self